I was surprised by my emotional response upon seeing the second batch of my file. I had anticipated that it would be a little more impacting on me than the first lot, but even still i was surprised.
Reading the staff members' written accounts of the various events, particularly the more traumatic ones, left me with a sense of haunting nostalgia of my grip on reality being hijacked. Even though i have come to terms with this experience on many levels with the support of God and safe people, i really felt like i did four years ago when i had just finished my 12 month stint in the Sydney home. That is, mentally stranded between two polar opposite realities and captive to lies.
I read all about how I was "gently approached about this" and "lovingly encouraged about that". I found no record indicating that I was ever screamed into submission, that I ever burst into tears in the program office or that the word of God was ever bent into a weapon of control.
Just like old times, it left me wondering, are those words and images that remain distinct in my mind (and occassionally my nightmares) really just an imaginary product of my own mind? Was i really hearing voices and under deception that day I cottoned on to that cruel trick being played on me? Is it that the devil is attacking my mind by distorting my memories of what my scars still bear evidence to?
The two realities are so far apart from eachother that they can not possibly be reconciled as "both true".
When God gave me the courage to open up about my experience for the very first time, one wise and safe person shared a picture with me they saw in their mind. They saw me in the middle of a room full of distorted mirrors. I remember that it resonated with me at the time.
I feel like God is bringing that image up again. When i dwell on experiences i have had with toxic people in my past, I become confused about who and what i am and I feel my self worth plummeting down to the minuses. The way those people have spoken to and treated me have reflected back to me an image that is not me. I am not a small powerless child, i am not unworthy of love, and i am NOT so out of touch with reality or desperate for attention that i am making all of this up in my mind.
So I feel like God is saying to me to look at Him and His reflection back to me of who I really am.